Do you want to offer advice or bring up a touchy relationship topic to someone you care about? If so, are you good at giving advice?

Everyone can use a little support - as long as it is done well. Here are some questions to ponder before you decide to help someone with some issue, challenge or problem.

1. How good are your boundaries and what is your agenda? Being honest (nobody's looking right now) - Are you a buttinski? Do you sometimes get carried away with other people's challenges and then feel compelled to try to fix them? Do you need to help? Do you see yourself as an expert who has all the answers? (If so - you will want to make sure that you are practice good stuff - including not being righteous and judgmental - before you try to help others.) That is not to say that if you are any of those things - you can't be helpful, however having good boundaries is the best ingredient in good helpfulness. So if you are genuine, have good boundaries and are truly concerned about your friend's happiness - I say give it a shot by asking permission first. In your own words, say something like: "Can I ask you about the other night?"

2. Do you understand relationships? Are you the type of person that understands that relationships - especially intimate ones - are never as simple as what we see from the outside? Are you making assumptions about what this one evening meant? Being TOO much on her side - is not really being on her side if this relationship is important to her. If you want to help - you need to go in with an open mind and appreciate that relationships have lots of pieces to them and that from the outside you will never really know what they are. Asking: "It looks like you two weren't getting along too well. What was up?" might be a good place to start.

Note: Where she takes it from there, and how good you are at playing the support role will determine what happens next.  This opening will likely give you one of three answers: A minimizer statement designed to shut the conversation down: "Oh - it was no big deal." A maximizer statement (be prepared for venting): "I am so sick of [insert name or put-down here]." Or a moderate response: "Yeah, we weren't really having a good night." So where do you take it from there? I recommend using the ETC approach: Empathize Then (not But) Challenge. "Couples fight sometimes. I was just concerned because you didn't seem to be happy with each other." Then shhhhh - and see where she wants to go from there.

If you bring optimism and maybe even some ideas - later on in the conversation - it can be a great gift."

The other day, my son and I were walking through our neighborhood and came upon a challenging stretch of sidewalk. This section had an encroaching row of hedges on one side and a thriving, tall flower bed on the other. My son is in a wheelchair and some of the flowers were sagging over just at the height of his face. Unfortunately, I was behind him pushing, and he isn't good at raising his arms. Add to this the fact that the bees were clearly in love with these blossoms and were everywhere. It was narrow and bumpy and hot and I found myself getting annoyed and felt a gripe coming on.

Dear Annie,

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Dear Old School Dad,

Thank you so much for your insights, comments and questions. I think you make some very valid points about parenting and have some reasonable concerns about what is happening today. I am not sure I can address them all, but I do have some thoughts to offer.

First let me respond to your question: 

Why do parents come to someone like me to figure out how to parent?

Parents come to people like me because they are looking for support, a reality check, validation that they are doing a decent job, and ideas on how to respond to the unchartered challenges of parenting today. I also find that, while you were fortunate to have had an upbringing that worked for you, not all adults would say the same. Wanting to avoid what they consider missteps or damaging legacies from their own upbringing, they come looking for alternatives.

Now what about kids today? I hear ya! While there were certainly downsides to the 'old school' parenting styles - there was a strong insistence on manners and respectful talk to authorities. The only downside I see is that the method to getting such good results - for many parents - relied heavily on physical punishment, shame, embarrassing and demeaning consequences, belittling, abusiveness, guilt-tripping, and withdrawal of support and love. And while I agree that results are important, I am also concerned by the damage done by the methods.

I think that in trying to counter the downsides to 'old school' parenting, the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction.

Just Right Parenting: So how to get it just right? Let's first talk about parenting styles. Generally, there are 4 styles that can be seen in parenting. They are: Permissive, Authoritative, Authoritarian, and Non-Involved.

These styles have varying combinations of 'responsiveness' (or regard for child) and 'demandingness' (or expectations of child). Some parents - especially those who had good models and good support for their parenting - balance these well. Authoritarian is TOO HARD, Permissive is TOO SOFT, while Authoritative is JUST RIGHT. (Click here for more indepth information - Baumrind, 1991).

Now I don't know you or your parents, but I suspect they found a decent balance and that is why you turned out the way you did.

Of course I can go on about the nuances of all of these parenting styles. Like the fact that Uninvolved parenting is still balanced! Just not a good idea. And the fact that it is more challenging to get respectful children without the use of strong punishments and shame - but again - the costs... I also see too many parents abdicating their parental power to their children - (and frankly I do want to ask - What are you doing?) and help them reclaim their power without creating power-crazy parents.

So these are some of my many thoughts. I am very grateful that you took the time to put your questions out there. I hope my responses are of some value.

Take care, Annie

With some variation here's how married life often happens. You meet the person of your dreams. You fall in love, get married, set up a home and possibly add some children. But then what?

Life gets busy. Kids, job requirements, house maintenance, individual hobbies, outside friendships and extended family obligations all take a piece of the pie. Our committed relationships get pushed further and further down the priorities list and before you know it, there is no more pie.

More commonly, women notice first (not always in a kind way!) with men for various reasons leaning toward a minimizer approach to a couple's issues. In many couples, this combination can become extreme with more yelling matches about who ate the last piece interspersed with days of silence or bare tolerance of the hunger. Weeks turn into months, turn into years. As a couple feels increasingly helpless and the results of long-term hunger pile up, escape to forage elsewhere or to just focus on your own needs may feel like a matter of survival.

Not a pretty picture but remember it didn't start out this way. So let's back it up a bit.

John Gottman, a researcher and marriage expert has identified 7 crucial ingredients necessary to have and sustain a good couple relationship. One ingredient that seems intriguing is that couples in positive relationships make and take opportunities to turn toward each other. What that means is that they develop a rhythm of connection for daily tasks, sharing good news, venting about external stresses and leaning on each other when life is tough.

In Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, #4 is Turning Toward Each Other. Gottman offers a list of ideas for those who may need some suggestions but whatever you do it is the together that is the key. Getting support when there is outside stress and a partner to share you good moments with reminds you that your mate is a keeper.

Date nights, daily stress debriefings, even going to a funeral together can remind you of your love. While the busy couple may divvy up the chores thinking this is the most prudent use of time, multitasking for the relationship might be a better idea. I know of a couple with a great solution - they do their food shopping together. After seeing them together several times I finally asked the woman what was up and she said, 'It's just something we do. We're so busy so we use shopping to find time to talk about our days, what we want to eat, plans that are coming up.' Brilliant!

I know another couple who took a dance class together. This was a wife who was feeling like her marriage was dying a slow death. But the class helped her get a fresh image of her husband. They laughed, got exercise and met other couples investing in their relationships. And while one class can't be the end of it, it got the ball rolling.

The challenge is often in finding the energy to move in this direction. Women, by far majority, instigate much of the connection in a relationship. And as long as both partners feel good about this dynamic this can work fine. However, often it becomes a power struggle filled with resentment. Women can begin to feel resentful of the burden of being responsible for the relationship while men may resist because they feel controlled. This brings up Gottman's Principle #5 which is also very interesting: Let Your Partner Influence You. Are you open to your partner's ideas, suggestions, needs? If not, marriage just got harder.

And while Gottman states that both parties can struggle with this, he notes that men are much more likely to have trouble in this area. Often when I discuss some of the strategies used in positive relationships women complain that their partners would never do many of these. So husbands may really need to explore this one. What does allowing your partner to influence you mean? Can you find a way to be more open?

Of course this is not just an article to challenge men. One reason a husband may resist is because of HOW his partner tries to influence him. Gottman also talks about Soft versus Harsh Start-Ups and their different effects on relationships. Criticism and shame, anger and put downs will not help, and need to be reconsidered. YOU are responsible for what comes out of your mouth. So if this is an issue for you, work on being more kind and even appreciating your partner! Remember each partner, in every interaction chooses the direction of the couple's energy.

Obviously there is more to marriage than spending time together. Handling conflict well, treating each other with respect and making yourself someone that your mate wants to spend time with are pretty important too.

Bottom line is this. If you want a strong, positive relationship you need to invest in it. So if you don't want your marriage to be about coming apart then consider making it be about coming together. One suggestion? Bake a pie together...and start at the supermarket.

Annie Zirkel, LPC is a Relationship Consultant based in Ann Arbor, Mi and appreciates how challenging couplehood is. Contact her at annie@practicehow.com

 

For those of you who don’t know, Diane Rehm hosts a show on NPR. According to the WAMU website: "For more than 25 years, The Diane Rehm Show has offered listeners thoughtful and lively conversations on an array of topics with many of the most distinguished people of our times."

Now before you get too excited and to set the record straight, I wasn’t almost on the show as a guest, I was almost on the show as a caller. Actually, technically, I was on the show but let me get to that.

The guest of the day was Greg Mortenson, author of 3 Cups of Tea and person of amazing commitment and perseverance. His story involves getting lost in the Himalayans, finding a remote village and eventually building schools for girls in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Unexpectedly, Mr. Mortenson was late to the show so Diane, as I call her, asked listeners who had read the book to call in to chat.

I redialed the show’s number more than a dozen times before I got a person who asked me to explain why I should be on the show. I told her that my book club had read the book and it had stirred some interesting and varying reactions. The screener decided on the spot that that warranted a moment of fame and put me on hold to wait my turn. I waited in my car, in the parking lot of the Reuse Center on Industrial Rd. in Ann Arbor.

As the show progressed, Diane continued to work her way through the callers. Each time she went to the phones she announced her intentions and let all the listeners know who and where the call was coming from. For a nerve racking half an hour I heard, ‘So let’s go to the phones, we have...’ (a pounding heart...) ‘so and so from some state other than Michigan, go ahead so and so, you’re on the air...’

I listened to the show on my phone as I waited. It was a good show. Greg, as I would have called him if I had gotten the chance, finally arrived about 20 minutes later and told his story about some of his successes and challenges and about some of the threats he’d received - surprisingly from his own country.

 

As I listened to the sometimes interesting, sometimes not, comments, I contemplated what brilliant things I was going to say if I had my chance. The screener had warned me not to delay with thanking Diane or gushing about being on the air - just get right to the point - but while I thought I had one - I wasn’t sure what was actually going to come out of my mouth if and when I got my turn.

 

Then my phone battery started chiming in with an occasional beep to let me know of its own concerns. Feeling fidgety and not sure of proper protocol for waiting to get on the air, I actually walked around the Reuse Center with my phone, listening to the show. That was pretty cool because obviously no one knew that I wasn’t just an obnoxious person walking around with her cell phone but that I was actually a grandiose person on hold for Diane Rehm walking around with her cell phone.

With about 10 minutes left of the program, I returned to my car.

Now my phone was getting rather demanding. With no charger in the car and being too far from home I decided to wait it out even though I hadn’t thought out my clever contributions to international diplomacy or what would happen if my battery died while actually speaking to Diane and Greg.

And then it happened. There was Diane going to the phones and me hearing “Annie” and “Ann Arbor” and “Good morning Annie. You’re on the air.’ And this is where I think I possibly blacked out for a minute.

Luckily a somewhat surprised friend was listening from her home and later filled me in on my whereabouts. Turns out I fairly reasonably got out, “Hi Diane, so we read this book for our book club and there were a variety of reactions.” On my end I heard a BEEP and the line went dead. On the air, Diane was apparently equally distraught and ‘so sorry’ she lost me, though given her professionalism she didn’t miss a beat and went on with the show.

As I came to, I looked around the gray parking lot for some acknowledgement of what just happened and what almost just happened. Nothing. No sign of anything other than some people dropping off discarded household items and some other people picking them up.

But I decided that whether I had or whether I hadn’t gotten my few minutes of fame, the world would have looked pretty much the same. Because unlike Mr. Mortenson, I was only going to talk about changing the world, he was actually doing something about it.

 

Annie Zirkel is a Relationship Consultant and NPR listener based in Ann Arbor, Mi. You can reach her at annie@practicehow.com