Author Archives: annie zirkel

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(Part 2 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly)
Cactus_CCSearchNetMediaDid you ever have an interaction with someone and walk away going - WT?? Do you have relationships where you walk away with that feeling all time? And the bigger question - Do people experience you that way?
 
Most of us slip occasionally, becoming prickly toward the people around us and could benefit from asking ourselves how we are coming across. But if you really want to understand and do connection better it helps to consider WHY you or someone in your life may be prickly in the first place. ...continue reading →

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(Part 3 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly)

Rose_thorns2_CCingridtaylarHopefully you've started at the beginning of this series with

Part 1 ~ How Prickly Are You? and Part 2 ~ Why People Are Prickly.

We can all be prickly sometimes, which doesn't mean we aren't good people, but it may mean that our thorns are getting in the way of others seeing that.

But acknowledging our prickliness still leaves us with two choices. We can either justify our approach - blaming it on genetics, life, others or apathy - and do nothing, or we can take responsibility for our actions and work to change people's experience of us. ...continue reading →

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Part 4 of a 3 part series on Being Prickly

Dog_meets_porcupine_CCdaisyelaine

The trouble with prickly people is that they are - well - prickly. As you can see by this picture it can literally be painful to be around them. So it's a natural reaction to want to limit your contact.

Unfortunately, for the hyper-reacter or grouch it is hard to learn new ways of being with people when people don't go the extra distance to positively invest in you. ...continue reading →

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Invisible_fenceRaising a child with disabilities is like living in a yard with an invisible fence.

The trouble with an invisible fence is that you only learn where the perimeter is when you make the mistake of crossing the unseen barrier and get zapped by life telling you that you aren't allowed to go there.

Maybe it's a place like a preschool that doesn't want your child. Maybe it's a friendship that fades away as your lives take different paths. Maybe it's an expectation - like how holidays will look or what activities your family is going to participate in. ...continue reading →

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Living down wind from a park, my yard is especially prone to dandelions. By late spring our house is completely surrounded by a sea of yellow blooms. Actually if that's how dandelions stayed, I wouldn't consider it too much of a bother. I don't mind adding a little color to my lawn especially given the fact that I'm not known for my green thumb.

dandelionsBut soon enough all the wishes have blown away and what's left are just stark ugly, bare stems. These I don't like. So every year, when my lawn becomes highlighted by those determined little intruders, I get to work. I dig out my trusted weed puller and head out for a battle - “en garde."

One day, as I sat tolling away, my next-door neighbor called over from his side of the fence, "Working hard?" ...continue reading →

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Dear Annie,

bullied_child(Note: This question is a combination of questions from different parents whose children are being bullied at school.)
 
My 12 year old son (daughter),
a pretty typical kid (or a kid who might be a little too: naive, sensitive, awkward, talkative, socially clueless, odd, out-of-sync, needy, easily angered, un-funny, different looking, or even confident) is being picked on by a group of kids at school. I don't know if I am overreacting (I want to slap these kids silly, call their parents and yell at the teacher!) but I want to help him deal with this. I don't know how involved I should be or when and how I should take it to the next level. Any ideas? -
Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom, ...continue reading →

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BoyAngry1STANDING UP TO BULLYING ROLEPLAYS - Helping your child practice what to say and how to say it can be extremely valuable because you get good at what you practice. Roleplaying is a very specific exercise that can help a child be prepared for dealing with bullying. Here are some specific suggestions on HOW to support your child behind the scenes so that they are ready when the time comes.

Steps for roleplaying:

Ask your child to do this with you (even humor you).

Note: Work with your child's ability to absorb, practice and not feel overwhelmed. Consider taking these ideas in chunks one at a time.

    1. Set up a time that you can have some fun with the roleplaying. Learning works better when there is less stress. So starting off easy, even with an occasional lightheartedness can help empower a child. As you get into the roleplaying send the message that this is serious and important.
    1. Practice the specific words to say (see below). Focus on HOW the words come out - using a calm, assertive, non-defensive tone; strong, tall body language; and good eye-contact! Also consider: when are good times to respond (with a sometimes friend - having a conversation when it is not happening can be extremely powerful); who your child should talk to - if there's more than one person, addressing a less mean child, the 'sometimes friend', or the 'supposed-to-be' friend and calling them on this, is more likely to have success.
    1. When roleplaying see if your child can be coached on the points in #2. If they are really not getting it, try modeling it yourself. But play both roles as opposed to having your child practice the bullying role. Ask specifically what is being said or done. Your role is to start easy where their comebacks work to get you (the bully) to stop. But since that is not often the case in real life, helping them have back up comebacks (3-4 at least) are important. Also tell your child that you are now going to try to push their buttons more. In other words, increase your meanness one notch at a time, while letting him/her know you are trying to make it harder. If they lose their cool, empathize with the fact that you were really pushing them. You need to send the message that they are learning so that they stay at it long enough to prepare themselves.
    1. Besides practicing comebacks, you must help your child know when to call in the reserves. It can help to have a 'what if...' discussion to help them see when the situation has gone beyond the child being expected to handle it. Like with the comebacks, make sure they have more than one plan for getting help. (Often people don't hear the first time so they may have to say it again or talk with someone else. And of course, you might be a bit hard of hearing too - so stay with it.)

Here are the words:

Start by kindly, yet firmly, letting the other person know that they 'crossed the line'. 'Excuse me, I was sitting there.', 'I was next.', 'Not funny.', 'Alright, already.', 'Please stop doing that.', 'Stop it.' (Watch your anger - practice calm responding and making good eye contact.)

If the bullying stops - wonderful! If it continues, here are two quick ways and one more intentional way of responding:

1. Agree:

Scenario 1:

Bait: 'How could you miss that shot!?' (attitude - annoyance - shame)
Response: 'Yeah - that wasn't great.' (Admitting your mistakes is an important part of life - just don't take on the shame part. You might also want to point out that his classmate has appointed himself your child's judge)

Scenario 2:

Bait: 'Hey Shorty.'
Response: 'Yes...I'm short (I wear glasses, I like dinosaurs, I do things differently, I'm quirky, I'm a big kid, I don't like soccer etc).' You may want to add: 'And your point?' (Then if they say something like 'That's stupid' - the response is something like: 'Hmm.", 'Whatever you say.', 'You're entitled to your opinion.', even just shrugging your shoulders or disagree - see below.)

2. Disagree/Stand up for yourself:

Scenario 1:

Bait: 'You're a jerk.' or 'You can't play.',
Response: 'I disagree.' , 'I see it differently.' or 'I have the right to be here.'(Not defensively - just matter-of-factly),
My kids' suggestion: 'You're not the boss of me.'

Scenario 2:

Bait: 'We don't want you here.'
Response: 'Why not?' (Not defensively - just curious). They may have a good reason like: You cheat. Then either agree and change or disagree (see above). If there is some friendship bond you could try humor: 'What's up with you?', 'Having a bad day are we?' But if it is just power-tripping then stand up for yourself: 'I'm part of this group too.', or 'I didn't know you made all the rules.'. You may also want to consider saying to yourself: 'I'm better than this.' (Because you are!) Then even though it can hurt when 'friends' treat you this way - leave the scene for now - and consider moving on to better friendship possibilities.

Scenario 3:

Physical Attack: pushing, hitting, kicking, etc. or threatening to do harm.
Response: Judge the situation.

Start with questioning the action. Sometimes, Especially if the attack was not severe, or possibly a joke gone too far, you can tone down the situation with a strong, curious (not too angry) statement - 'Dude - what's up?', 'What the heck?', or 'Ok - You're tougher than I am.' Not in a mocking way - just giving them what they need to prove at the moment. (And hopefully what you don't need to prove.) This can often change the direction.

If the attacker is angry but not escalating - if possible, hold your ground, defend yourself by holding back their arms or legs, look the person in the eye and calmly tell them to stop it. Then either walk away, or possibly even try to de-escalate the other person's anger. (See above) (Later - especially if they are a friend - you may want to tell them to stop pushing you around, etc.)

If you are in real danger - if they are physically stronger or in such a worked-up state that they can not be reasoned with, or if there is more than one attacker - the best move is to get away - being assertive in your movements as you move to safety or if that is not possible defend yourself as best you can, while calling for help by loudly calling the person out so others can hear and help - 'WHAT THE HECK', 'STOP ALREADY!'

Note: Be careful that you are not using their anger as a way to escalate things further for your own reasons. Sometimes, when someone gives us an opening, we blame our worse behavior on them. And there is a pride and power factor in not backing down. Be honest about how these concepts are playing into your reactions. Once you get away, this event should be reported to someone you trust.

It would be great if - as an assignment - your child came up with some other responses to real situations and practiced them. Remember these 'techniques' only work if your child remembers that he is doing his best, he is fine admitting a mistake or two, he is also strong enough to challenge someone when they have unreasonable expectations, and thinks enough of himself to find friends who like him.

3. Intentional Response:

With a sometimes-friend, or a child who has better boundaries, and at a time it is not happening - talk to the person and tell them how you feel (reasonably, assertively, with strength - not whiny, for pity or for guilt-tripping). You may even want to write them a note. Be specific about the behavior, and what you want them to do instead. 'I really wish you would stop the whole calling me short and patting me on the head thing (making fun of my nose, etc.), it's getting old. Any chance you can let that go?' Also - depending on the person - be willing to hear how your behavior might be making it harder. And be open to having a little sense of humor (though the 'I'm just joking' is sometimes used as an excuse for baiting and bullying) - just check your sensitivity.

Want more support? Contact me if you have any questions. I am also available to work with your child privately or in a group. Consider organizing a Don't Take The Bait Workshop in your child's school or contact me for other ideas.

 
* For an excellent intervention on working with youth who bully go to:

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angry boyHow Are Bullies made?If you really want to understand bullying you need to see it from the inside out and the outside in. Given the right (or wrong) circumstances it can happen to more of us that we might want to believe.

Bullying is about three things:

 1. Distorted Power
2. Lack of Empathy
3. Warped Push Back

1. Distorted Power: As children grow up, they are trying to figure out how life works. They quickly hit on power as a pretty important key to success. But at some times and with some kids - their quest for this power goes too far. ...continue reading →

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childs_puzzleTwo four-year-old children are given a simple jigsaw puzzle to complete. They both do very well.


In her book, Mindset - The New Psychology of Success, author Carol Dweck asserts that people basically have one of two mindsets in situations. And according to research, depending on their mindsets, people will be more or less open to challenges and learning, more or less successful in school and their careers, feel more or less positive about themselves and their situations, and even negotiate more or less in a salary package.


With a fixed mindset you tend to believe in nature. You believe traits like intelligence, artistic talent, athletic ability - even relationships - are predetermined, fixed, innate, stable and either there or not. Often people with this mindset make choices that will make them look smart while steering clear of taking risk.


Not having instant success or having to work at something is considered a weakness and proof of your inadequacies. Even if you succeed, if you had to put in effort it means less. Showing that you need help, that you don't understand something or that you have things to learn are detrimental to a fixed mindset's sense of self.


On the other hand, people with a growth mindset tend to believe nurturing their intellect, abilities, interests and curiosities is where the money is. Being challenged or learning something new is the definition of success. Effort is expected and making mistakes is all part of the process. Because of this, they tend to have less fear or a sense of vulnerability at being imperfect. They are not thrown off by lack of current ability or knowledge because they believe they can gain these things through effort and perseverance.


Back to the preschoolers. Obviously children with the growth mindset chose the harder puzzle, which allowed them to learn more. The fixed mindset children picked the safe bet. The one that would re-prove how smart they were.


Fast forward to two smart pre-med students up against the challenges of organic chemistry. One, discovering that they are not instantly successful may give up, while the other digs in and becomes more determined. How about two talented sports pros, two business leaders, two couples? Dweck's book has examples of all of these. Why does one flourish, find more happiness and success and rebound faster? A growth mindset.


So how do you go about instilling a growth mindset in yourself and your children? Start by asking this question: Is success more about learning or proving you're smart? Then challenge yourself and your child to see learning as success.


Another way for parents and teachers to encourage this kind of thinking in children is to notice and praise effort over accomplishment. Instead of saying your child is a great soccer player, express that they seem to really love being out there and giving it their all. "Look at all that sweat! Wow you really played hard out there!"


Of course if you want to instill a growth mindset in a child, practicing it yourself is the best way. Do you appreciate your mistakes? Do you model effort when something is hard? Expressing growth thinking about your own life can show your child how to do it.


At dinner time, instead of listing off all you accomplished in your day, how about listing off what you learned? How your curiosity was piqued? How you were engaged in a cool challenge? And ask the same questions of your child.


Living life with a fixed mindset can be a hard way to go for both the person with this way of thinking and for those around them. Luckily, a fixed mindset does not have to be fixed forever!


IQ, social and relationship success, athletic ability and many other talents are not fixed traits. They can all be increased. Those who are not bogged down in a fixed mindset actually gain more skill and are much happier along the way. It really is about practice and belief. Having models that appreciate that can help.

Annie Zirkel, LPC is an Ann Arbor, Mi relationship consultant and author of You'll Thank Me Later - A Guide to Raising Grateful Children (& Why That Matters). You can find her at www.practicehow.com. Submit your relationship question to annie@practicehow.com

Creative Commons License photo credit: eelke dekker