What is the secret to a good life? I have been actively pondering this question since I was asked to answer it during my recent adventure to become Good Morning America's first Advice Guru. (I made it to the top 20 and this was my last challenge: answer this question on video in 20 seconds or less. Which may be why I didn't make it past this round. Has anyone ever known me to only talk for 20 seconds?)

My brain raced with thousands of thoughts! I sought the wise words of spiritual leaders, popular writers, poets, musicians, bumper stickers, and the wisdom of family, facebook friends, fans, my gratitude group, my teenagers and my clients. On the suggestion of one friend, I even googled it!

I scribbled notes, typed and reworked nearly 50 answers and recorded a half a dozen less than brilliant clips. When I finally had my first major insight -

I could not find THE right answer because there is no ONE secret to a good life to begin with. You might define it as having good friends, a decent home and a game of golf on the weekends. Someone else might decide it means relying on themselves and not caring about what other people think. And yet for another it might be finding life's purpose in a job, relationship or passion. Which is the first of 7 secrets I ultimately pared my answer down not to 20 seconds but to a list of 7 secrets. Here they are:

Secret #1 is: Jack Palance was right. You have to find the 1 thing (or more!) that constitutes YOUR good life for yourself. That's the journey. Of course it helps to make sure you are looking in the right places and that when you do find that thing you...

Secret #2: Have a good map. Because just because you know where you want to be doesn't mean you don't have to find the way to get there.

But even if you have a decent map, you still have to make sure the map is accurate (especially with a GPS!). The problem is that it's hard to know when to trust those directions and when to question them. Especially when the route is coming from your own head. Ever wonder why you don't get where you want to be? You're using bad directions!

So another secret comes from one of the bumper stickers on the back of my car: Don't believe everything you think. The trick is to figure out which parts of your mind's map are useful and which parts are steering you in the wrong direction. Which leads to...

Secret #3: If you aren't sure you're going the right way, ask for directions. Just don't ask that creepy guy who offers to take you there - especially if you hear scary music in the background. It will end badly.

I found some direction from the Dalai Lama's explanation of the art of unattachment (to a particular expectation or solution) and Don Miguel Ruiz's 4 Agreements - especially his 2nd one: Don't take anything personally. They were both helpful for throwing out some unnecessary baggage that ended up in the car.

I've also found some excellent directions from the world of positive psychology on optimism, gratitude, curiosity, a growth mindset and the power of Chris Peterson's simple summary of all the data on what helps people being happy which is the next secret...

Secret #4: People matter. Having good people in your life is pretty crucial to a good life. Some of it is luck based on our life circumstances and some of it is a result of who we are and the choices we make. The key here is to approach your relationships with the idea that everyone matters. You and others as well and then act accordingly.

One of my secrets is to be counter-intuitive in challenging moments. Be generous when I want to be stingy, be kind even when the other person isn't. Think compassion rather than contempt. Challenge but do it nicely. And remind myself that the person I am currently connecting to is just trying to make it through the day like everybody else. So how can I help them do that. And how can they help me? Then I try to be open to what this person has to offer even when it isn't what I thought I wanted. Which leads me to my greatest secret...

#4B is: Have an Alex in your life. One of the people that has mattered most to my good life is someone whom, from a distance, may not seem to matter much in the scheme of things. My 20 year old, sweet, severely disabled son has few tangible gifts to contribute to this world. He is confined to a wheelchair, must be fed blended food, has no words and is on a different path than college, job, marriage, family. But in many ways he is as great a teacher as the Dalai Lama. He is simple, non-judgmental, forgiving, and smiles easily. He is instant perspective of what really matters - and what doesn't - including not getting the job with Good Morning America. And one of the things he has taught me most is...

Secret #5: AA knows what they're talking about. To paraphrase their Serenity Prayer - Accept what you can't change, change what you can and learn how to spot the difference - quickly. This requires both a willingness to let go and the energy to step up. Curiously, you often find the energy for the second part, by doing the first part. The secret I've found though is that speed does matter here. People can spend years being stuck trying to change things they can't and not having the courage to take on the real challenge of changing what they can - usually themselves. And time is of the essence here so...

Secret #6: Make wise choices. Choose what you want this moment to be with an eye to what you want the next one to look like too. Compromise on the right things and not the other stuff. Choose to change yourself before, during and after you invite others to change. Take risks but get good at figuring out which risks are worth it. Choose to bounce back when life throws you a curveball. And decide what you want to notice. You do get the choice.

You might want to notice and appreciate anything in your life that is already good while you are going about changing the other stuff. Because ultimately the secret to a good life is...

Secret #7: Pay attention to this moment. Because whether it makes you smile, laugh, cry or learn something it reminds you that you are alive. And one day you won't be. So 'you might as well enjoy the ride' as my good friend James Taylor would say. And that is the real secret - hold on for all it's worth: to life, to the people you are living it with and to the reality that it doesn't last forever so make it count.

Here's to you finding your secrets and holding on.

~~~

Annie Zirkel is a Relationship Consultant, speaker and author. To send her your questions, contact annie@practicehow.com